One Moment At A Time
My mother left this earthly plane on February 2, 2008. It's been ten years to this day. She passed in hospice at about 12:30 A.M. I had been standing by her bed thirty minutes before she passed. The nurse told me she was probably waiting for me to leave the room. Every anniversary of her death reminds me of the months leading up to that day in 2008. I was blessed to have been seven years sober at the time. I was in her room once again within an hour of her passing. I called my sponsor after leaving my mom's bedside one last time. He asked if I was o.k. I was numb. He told me that there was a Cocaine Anonymous convention going on in Beachwood, Ohio with all night meetings going on at that moment. I drove twenty minutes to the convention and found myself chairing an all night meeting. I was in a room full of people and I was the only one there whose mother had died thirty minutes prior. I remember feeling very alone. More than I had ever felt before, but, I was surrounded by recovering and recovered addicts which was exactly where my sponsor knew that I should be.
Fast forward to yesterday evening. Friday, February 1st. I'm playing music once again, in a bar, next to a wall stocked with wine bottles from the floor to the ceiling. I'm in the moment with smiling faces and positive energy all around. Not in yesterday or tomorrow but just the eternal moment where all expectations, anxieties, regrets and remorse are born when I focus my thoughts upon what was and what I THINK may happen. I've learned to watch what I think. Not to focus upon morbid reflections or negative energies. I've learned that it doesn't mean I'll never get sucked into those well worn neural pathways leading to the same misery. The good thing is that I see the road signs up ahead and bring myself back to the moment where it is only now. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Today: February 2, 2019. I'm playing music again with my friends. It's a slow start but eventually folks start digging what we're putting out. Positive energy begets positive energy. Sometimes it takes awhile because the reciprocating energy has to wade through shots, beers and sports on the big screen. In other words; distractions. I have overwhelming gratitude for where I am in life today. I didn't have to sample all the wine on the "Wall 'o Wines" at the bar last night, I don't have to order a shot to make me feel alright when uncomfortable or feeling ignored, and I don't have to pick up a drink or a drug when thoughts of my Mom pop up. I thank my Higher Power daily for a sponsor that made sure I have a working knowledge of the 12 steps that I can apply to any situation in my life and at any moment of my life. And most importantly; Prayer and Meditation.
Tomorrow I'll be attending the funeral of a long time friend and musician. I was invited to a birthday dinner for another friend shortly after the funeral. Neither of these situations have happened yet ,but like clockwork, my mind can tell me all the things to expect tomorrow so that it feels as though the expectations and emotions of tomorrow are occurring presently. So, I see it for what it truly is and concentrate on this moment..right now...where everything is just as it should be, doesn't need me to change anything to make it better or worse and doesn't require
my opinion. It just is what it is and I continue to learn (daily) how to be alright with that. One moment at a time. I miss you, Mom.
Love, Guidance and Gratitude.....